i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
