i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so let's talk penis.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
