I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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