I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dignity is for republicans.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
