we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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