I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
