im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Four minutes until I can fart!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
