If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
