Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
