I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
