So drunk its hurt
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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