my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
