my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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