There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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