I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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