You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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