if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
