Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
