every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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