Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
