watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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