I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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