Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
