on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
