i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
