i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
