She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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