I just cut my nipple shaving
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
