Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
