I think scott just propositioned me for sex
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
