The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
