He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
