fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
