the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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