I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
