I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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