The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
