TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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