god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
True college students do jello shots in the library
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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