Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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