Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize