what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
