I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
