I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
