sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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