The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
