Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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