Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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