I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize