Who did Billy Mays play for?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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