There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
