I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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