3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
