I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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