I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
