Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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