I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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