Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
