I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
