hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
no you cant smoke seaweed
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
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