It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
