i think my tv is drunk
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Drunk is not a location!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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