My sheets look like a crime scene.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
