Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
