I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize